THE NAKED CITY – THE GRUMPY GUIDE TO ELECTION WAFFLE
Image: Scott Morrison Mural
Feeling confused as to where your true political loyalties lie at the forthcoming Federal Election, mentally battered by the onslaught of Clive Palmer’s TV adverts or discombobulated by the opinions of the political pundits? Then worry no more. Here in the clearest and simplest of language is the everyday guide to election slogans, jargon, vote sucking rhetoric and politicking for dummies – set to suffocate us all in the coming weeks.
Freedom: The right to voice your opinion by cracking an egg on the head of a well known anti vaxer and then telling them the ‘yokes on them’.
The Pub Test: Usually applies to the breath testing machine you blow into with a straw to check you are less than half molo for the drive home.
Weaponise: Using any kind of policy, philosophy or political decision to attack your opponent, similar to cracking an egg over their head.
A Red Hot Go: As opposed to a luke warm go, it’s a catch cry often employed by minority candidates standing for the Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and with no chance of being elected.
If You Have A Go, You Get A Go: Well, that’s according to Scott Morrison. The reality is that if you have a go, you don’t always get a go and irate voters in a bush fire ravaged area might tell you just where to go!
Swinging Voter: Beware of anybody who describes themselves as a ‘swinging voter’. It could mean they are recruiting for a wife swapping party at a discreet suburban location (with a jacuzzi of course).
A Bellwether Electorate: A seat which often indicates which party will win the election although the term derives from a sheep with a bell around its neck – hardly complimentary to the voters therein. Baaaaaaa!
‘Make Australia Great’: The primary slogan of the United Australia Party, which does sound rather familiar. At least Trump recognised that America was once great – greatness for us, according to Clive, is still to come.
The Donkey Vote: Often the result of a voter subconsciously using their favourite Powerball numbers whilst listing their Senate preferences.
Robocalls: You are soaking in a much needed hot bath, the phone rings and you scramble to answer it, tripping over a towel in the process. You pick up your mobile and it’s Clive Palmer talking his usual bullshit.
Voting Informal: Generally applies to those who turn up to the polling booth in shorts and thongs, more attracted by the sausage sizzle out front than the democratic process.
Spin: Sometimes applied to the rotation of a bottle during a lewd late night party held in Parliament House by Liberal Party staffers.
Pork Barrelling: The term originated sometime in the latter part of the nineteenth century gaining a negative connotation after the American Civil War. Not recommended as a means of winning votes in an electorate with a high percentage of vegans.
‘That’s My Time To Party’: The anthem of the United Australia Party although come on, we all preferred ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It’. With all their talk about facial recognition surveillance and deprivation of freedom, might I suggest an extension of the title to ‘That’s My Time To Party Like It’s Not 1984’ with apologies to Prince and George Orwell. Music to crack eggs by!
“Let me be crystal clear”: Beware of any politician that says this as it probably means they are guided by crystals and other new age hocus pocus.
Hung Parliament: The opportunity for a cheap gag about the size of male genitalia but let’s hope women parliamentarians soon outnumber men and the joke not longer applies.
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