Christmas gifts are usually given as a sign of affection or friendship and chosen to suit the particular recipient. Not everybody likes what they receive and some gifts find their way back to a department store or are creatively rewrapped and regifted. Yes, there are some ungrateful bastards out there, as it’s supposedly the thought that counts. Then again if it’s the message you wish to convey with your gift, perhaps the way is open for a new kind of Xmas present – the protest gift!
This Christmas, after you have taken care of family and friends with the usual tins of mixed biscuits and boxed handkerchiefs, maybe it’s time to stretch the budget a little and fire off some protest pressies. It’s a subtle, albeit devious way of making your point that could well have a lasting effect on your target. For example, one of your close workmates is an ardent anti-vaxxer – but hey, no hard feelings, as you have been exchanging Christmas gifts for years. He or she boycotts the annual office party but you post them your gift, beautifully wrapped in quality Christmas paper. Imagine their disgust when they unwrap the item only to find it’s a biography of Jonas Salk!
Get the picture? So here are just a few suggestions on how you can make a real political statement this festive season, by posting your least favourite person a dastardly appropriate gift.
TO CLIVE PALMER: Look out for the most scratched copy of Twisted Sister’s greatest hits in the dollar bin at your local op shop and mail it off, enclosing a card wishing Clive a ‘million dollar Christmas’ – rumoured to be the settlement he reached with the band after poaching ‘We’re Not Gonna Take It’.
TO MIRANDA DEVINE: A ‘Headless Body In Topless Bar’ T-Shirt (the New York Post’s most infamous headline) with a card thanking her for her services to tabloid journalism.
TO PETE EVANS: An old sun lamp. Pete is no longer selling his $15,000 BioCharger NG Subtle Energy Platform which he once claimed could treat COVID. Enclose a card with the old sun lamp that reads “May not cure COVID, but at least you will get a tan.”
TO GEORGE CHRISTENSEN: A traditional Christmas stocking full of horse care medications for colic, worms and strangles including a family pack of Ivermectin. There’s a cure for COVID in there somewhere!
TO CRAIG KELLY: A selection of canned Spam including the ‘Hot & Spicy’ with a card reading, “Try eating it, rather than sending it Craig – Merry Christmas!”. For an even more meaningful statement, paste a sticker on the Spam cans – ‘NOW WITH ADDED INVERMECTIN’.
TO SCOTT MORRISON: a ‘CHOOSE EMPATHY’ t-shirt from the Hillsong Church and a bunch of cheap and tacky Hawaiian tourist souvenirs.
TO PAULINE HANSON: a CD of Funkadelic’s One Nation Under A Groove with a note attached, “Isn’t It Time You Changed Your Tune?”
TO SENATOR MALCOLM ROBERTS (climate change sceptic): A pair of oversized gumboots and a picture of King Canute trying to hold back the tide.
TO ANY POLITICIAN WHO HAS RECENTLY FELT THE WRATH OF ICAC: The Kleen Stride Personal Debris Removal System guaranteed to sweep that incriminating evidence aside.
TO ANDREW BOLT: Johnnie Walker King George V Scotch Whisky – just the bottle that is, or for a bit of fun fill it with cold tea.
TO ????????: Need to be careful here, but you know best whom you really detest. You can still buy a Jack Kevorkian (aka Dr Death) Gift Certificate on the internet these days and it’s a fun Christmas novelty. Best not to put your return address on the envelope in case the joke is not appreciated!