Arts & Entertainment

THE NAKED CITY – COFFIN ED PREDICTS (With Apologies To Criswell)

There was once a time when journalists, social commentators, futurologists, psychics and would be soothsayers would trot out a list of predictions for the coming year – some of them painfully predictable and others wildly improbable. Given some of the happenings of the past 12 months it’s little wonder few have been bold enough to do a Nostradamus in 2021. 

If somebody had suggested at the beginning of 2020 that some 90 million people worldwide would be struck down by a highly contagious virus and that a crazed bunch of hillbilly hoons would invade the US Capitol Building, you would have shuddered in disbelief. Yet in the spirit of the Amazing Criswell, an American TV star and psychic, renowned for his often absurd predictions, the Naked City is more than happy to foresee the future.  

Criswell did however have one of this predictions come true when in March 1963 he forecast that President Kennedy would not run for office in 1964 due to an incident in November 1963. He fervently believed that history repeated itself and that America was the modern day Roman Empire. Whilst he died in 1982 he may well have foreseen the gladiatorial era of Donald Trump – a contemporary amalgam of all the crazy Emperors, Tiberius, Caligula and Nero. 

So in the best Criswellian tradition here’s our punt of what might well happen in the rather scary year that lies ahead.

Media

  • Newspapers: Rupert Murdoch shuts down The Australian and moves the New York Post here to take its place. Miranda Devine is appointed editor and promises all headlines will be in at least 84pt. 
  • Free to Air TV: Channel 7 finally cans repeats of Border Security and replaces with repeats of Celebrity Splash. SBS announces a six hour slow TV version of Housos. Channel 10 slashes all B-grade content, leaving them only ten minutes of transmission each day. 
  • Pay TV: Sky News After Dark invites ‘QAnon Shaman’ Jake Angeli to join the panel provided he dispenses with his horns and furs – too much of a clash with Alan Jones’ pink suits. 
  • Social Media: Pornhub takes a lead from Facebook and bans Donald Trump. 

Pop Culture 

  • Vinyl: The vinyl revival loses its appeal, thousands of used turntables end up on eBay and eight-track cassette tapes roar back into popularity. 
  • Pop Music: There are multiple deaths in hotel quarantine from visiting has been US and English pop stars trying to make a last desperate buck in Australia. 
  • Baz Lurhmann cancels his current Elvis biopic and starts work on a musical version of the notorious Elvis autopsy tape. 
  • Rolf Harris is mistakenly injected with the Corona Virus after visiting a Covid vaccination clinic.  

Politics 

  • Gladys Berejeklian orders 5000 fluffy toy koalas from China to restock Northern NSW forests. 
  • Scott Morrison has an epiphany at the football, quits as PM and joins the Hillsong Church as an extremely well paid pastor. 
  • Donald Trump trips and is impaled on a five iron in the rough whilst attempting to cheat (yet again) at golf. 
  • Donald Trump Jnr announces he is running for President in 2024, shortly after shooting the last white Rhino in the wild. 
  • Rudy Guiliani is disbarred from practicising law and ends up on late night TV flogging ‘miracle’ black hair dye. 
  • The Proud Boys amalgamate with the Proud Girls and come out to play, happy and well the Laxette way (a bit of nostalgia there for the older readers!).
  • Boris Johnson attempts to divert attention from the British COVID-19 disaster by declaring gonorrhoea the new battle ground. 
  • Tony Abbott accepts a position as Emeritus Professor of Eugenics at Oxford University. 

And finally a prediction of truly Criswellian proportions: To borrow a line from Jarvis Cocker, in 2021 – “XXXX’s are still running the world”. 

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