It may not have been the most successful movie franchise of all time but it was certainly the most prolific with a staggering 31 productions between 1958 and 1992. Featuring titles such as Carry On Camping, Carry On Screaming and the geographically specific Carry On Up The Khyber, the much loved genre depended heavily on a mix of tits and bums, double entendre, in your face sight gags and what has been described as “low level bigotry.” In our more enlightened world, that formula would not be well received but perhaps there is room for at least one final Carry On excursion – get ready for Carry On Corona!
Whilst the pandemic has not been without its humorous moments, most would agree that the impact of COVID-19 provides little to laugh about. However, certain events surrounding the spread of the virus can only be described as farcical and a movie that highlights that mayhem would surely be timely.
The cavalier style disregard and misinformation that led to Trump and his first lady being hospitalised provides the germ of the script and the cast of international characters (with blood on their hands) is boundless. However this is a Carry On movie, not a hard hitting Michael Moore doco, and the public will be expecting plenty of good old politically incorrect belly laughs.
Let’s borrow shamefully from another Carry On classic, a movie that was guaranteed to ‘fracture your funnybone’. Like Carry On Nurse, Carry On Corona is set in a hospital and plays out the well worn doctor patient scenario. In this case the star patients are the POTUS, Donald Trump, the UK’s Boris Johnson and Brazil’s Jair Bolsonaro – three populist leaders who all downplayed the seriousness of the virus when it first appeared. Ironically they have all now contracted COVID and have been dispatched to an international medical centre in the Bahamas that specialises in the treatment of celebrities and high ranking politicians.
There’s a great supporting cast of course, with the feisty Stormy Daniels gracefully accepting the role of head nurse and rapper Kanye West as the mysterious West Indian doctor with a miracle voodoo cure for the virus. Housed in adjoining beds the three world leaders soon find themselves competing for the ‘bedside manner’ of the voluptuous Nurse Stormy. When she serves them all mushroom soup for the evening meal, Trump takes it as a personal insult to his genitalia and demands she send out for a Whopper.
After a few days in the COVID ward, all three show signs of deterioration and respirators are called for. Unfortunately nitrous oxide, not oxygen, is pumped into the system and Trump, Johnson and Bolsonaro erupt into a orgy of uncontrollable laughter. Trump laughs so much that his daily dose of hydroxychloroquine and White King bleach reacts with his spray on tan and turns his face totally black. Johnson grabs a banjo and joins him in a impromptu version of Mammy from the Black & White Minstrels and Dr West is called to add some back up beatboxing.
The next day, the situation has got even worse and George Pell is flown in to administer the last rights. As a homage to the 1970’s Carry On Loving, Dr West is back with the original cat from that movie, the strangely named ‘Cooking Fat’. It’s just an excuse to ramp up the double entendre and when Trump sees the cat he makes a sudden grab for the pussy.
Threatening at first to perform a voodoo ritual with the unfortunate feline, Dr West soon unveils his miracle cure and Trump, Johnson and Bolsonaro are required to eat 20 foolscap size pages of their own tweets, soaked in castor oil and Pepto Bismol. Yes folks and Fox News, they are forced to eat their own words.
Naturally I am not going to do a spoiler and give away the ending of what could be the movie hit of 2021. All I can say is that Nurse Daniels and Cooking Fat definitely survive to star in a possible sequel. Carry On Corona – coming to a pandemic near you!