Sex and the younger me

By Bella Bushby

There’s nothing wrong with being young, female and enjoying sex.

As a young woman, I was clueless when it came to sex. So were my friends. Sexual pleasure and exploration for girls was taboo.

Our sex education sucked. Some of us had a strict upbringing, and we felt a lot of pressure to act reserved and embarrassed about sex as we were growing up.

Because of the stigma around women and sex, it took me longer to find out how much fun fucking was, and how okay it was to explore sex, sexualities and a range of sexual activity.

These are some of the things I wish I’d known as I was growing up and entering the exciting and sometimes confusing world of sex.

I’ve learned that communication with my partner/s about the sex I want is key. No one is a mind reader.

The value of speaking up

I wish I had spoken up a lot more, especially about the hard questions like sexually transmitted infection (STI) and HIV tests/status.

I wish I knew I could be in complete control when it came to having sex. Being pressured to do something you don’t want to do or are not completely comfortable with is not okay.

You can change your mind at any stage in any sexual situation you are in. If you’re not feeling into it, you don’t have to go along with having sex just to please someone else.

I wish I’d learned earlier to prioritise what I wanted and needed in bed.

Today, I make sure I tell my partner/s what my likes and dislikes are, as well as what are my boundaries.

My needs are just as important as theirs.

I’ve learned there’s nothing wrong with enjoying sex, even with yourself.

When I was younger I heard that girls don’t fuck lots of people, girls don’t masturbate, girls don’t carry condoms and girls who do are slutty.

When some of my friends got pregnant, I heard bullshit like “getting pregnant was all her fault,” and lastly, I heard that girls definitely don’t get sexually transmitted infections (STIs). This was all so wrong.

Today, I know sex is normal, exciting and great. I am more empowered by sex-positivity and know there’s no place for shame or embarrassment about sex.

Curiosity is normal. Exploring what you’re into is important for a full enjoyable sexual life, whether that means exploring with yourself, one-person, multiple people, opposite sex, same sex or whatever.

I’ve learned there’s no shame in exploring sex and sexuality.

It’s also okay to not enjoy sex or go through phases when you just don’t want to have sex. Today, I know women can enjoy things like porn, sex work, masturbation, hook-ups and one-night stands, sex toys, fetishes and kink etc.

While we were taught in school about how to avoid getting pregnant, I wish I had also known more about STIs. STIs can be anything from crabs to HIV. Now I know the importance of testing for STIs, what they are, how they’re shared, and how to treat them.

The first time I went into my GP to ask for the pill, I felt so nervous and uncomfortable. I felt like I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be. When the GP took my blood pressure he asked me if I was feeling okay because my heart was beating so fast.

Sexual health clinics

I wish I had known about the free NSW Health sexual health clinics, especially ones targeted at young people. These clinics are not only free, comfortable and approachable, but you don’t need a Medicare card or even need to use your real name. They aren’t going to tell your parents or judge you.

I wish I had not worried so much about comparing myself to others. Fucking must be on your own terms, at your own pace, and in your control.

Another thing I wish I’d known sooner was how subjective sexuality and identity are. If these labels don’t work for you, you don’t have to use them, or you can change them at any time.

How you want to identify your sexuality is up to you and you only. Don’t let anyone tell you what’s right or wrong when it comes to your sex life.

Every woman’s experience will be different. We are all sexual human beings and that should be celebrated.

Instead of allowing these damaging taboos and misconceptions to continue to overshadow the confidence and empowerment of future generations of young women, let’s challenge the stigma and openly promote sex education, knowledge and enjoyment for young women.

* Bella Bushby is the Communications and Policy Officer at Positive Life NSW