NAKED CITY – CITIZENS CANED!

By Coffin Ed.

Back in the days of restricted immigration in this country the Barton Government invented the so called “language dictation test”, giving it the power to block unwanted migrants by forcing them to sit a test in “any European language”. Thankfully we have come a long way since then but Malcolm Turnbull’s recent announcement of an ‘Australian values’ test for aspiring citizens could well spark a furious debate as to what is actually bona fide, fair dinkum, ‘Aussie’.

There are still plenty of Aussies who prefer Joe Dolce’s Shaddap Ya Face to Advance Australia Fair, the latter written by a Scotsman back in 1878. Likewise many Australians would be flat out naming any Federal Politician bar Pauline Hanson, such is the level of political apathy in this country. So who actually has been awarded the task of writing a set of questions that will determine whether migrants to this country have enough Australian values to be given citizenship? Maybe it’s a committee made up of Corey Bernardi, Miranda Devine, Andrew Bolt and even Mark Latham but in reality it’s probably some faceless bureaucrat.

Whoever it is, here’s a set of questions that I personally would like to see included in any future citizenship quiz. I have not indicated the answers as one of the great things about this country is the diversity of opinion. There may be one definitive answer – then again all three could be correct. Go for it!

1.When you apply tomato sauce to a meat pie do you put a hole in the top with? (a) Your forefinger (b) Your thumb (c) Your pinkie

2. In Australia the best place to buy a bag of ice is? (a) At your local supermarket (b) At a bottleshop 

(c) In Darlinghurst Rd, Kings Cross

3. The most iconic Australian musical instrument is? (a) The Lagerphone (b) The Fairlight Synthesiser (c) The Wobble Board

4. Which of the following is not a native Australian animal? (a) Poteroo (b) Kangaroo (c) Portaloo

5. Former Australian Prime Minister Tony Abbott once bit into? (a) An onion (b) A watermelon (c) Malcolm Turnbull

6. Old school Australians often enjoyed? (a) A cup of tea, a Bex and a good lie down (c) The occasional Quaalude (c) A six pack of Cold Gold KB

7. Singer Kylie Minogue is sometimes known as? (a) The Singing Budgie (b) The Singing Banshee (c) The Singing Bodgie

8. Which of these Australian towns or places is a popular tourist attraction? (a) Yorkeys Knob in Queensland (b) Mount Buggery in Victoria (c) Snowtown in South Australia

9. Which of these statements about voting in Australian elections is correct? (a) You must not draw a penis and testicles on your ballot paper (b) Voting is by a show of hands (c) Those who identify as Jedi in the Census are restricted from voting

10. Canberra is the national capital but the fun capital is? (a) Rooty Hill (b) Wollongong (c) Wolf Creek

11. Australia is proud to have the world’s largest number of? (a) Merino Sheep (b) Angus Beef Cattle (c) Poker Machines

12. Australia’s most deadly spider is? (a) The Red Back (b) The Funnel Web (c) Rolf Harris