THE NAKED CITY – JERKY BOYS!

The story may well be apocryphal, but we have it on good authority that one hapless punter was frisked at the infamous Morrissey ‘Vivid’ concert last year and denied access after he was found with two packets of beef jerky cunningly concealed on his body. As you might remember, the bumptious Morrissey had issued a total meat ban at the Opera House for the night and that apparently included the dried and salted variety.

We only recall the episode after recently spotting a display of all Aussie native animal jerky in our local Woolies – crocodile, emu and kangaroo, thank you very much. Whether it was there for local consumption or to tempt an overseas tourist (with a more adventurous palate), we would need to chew over (if you will forgive such a dreadful pun). It did however alert us to the phenomenon that is the incredible ‘cult’ like world of jerky.

Jerky has of course been around for decades and perhaps we best associate it with the USA where it’s long been a favourite of cowboys, truckers, survivalists, blue collar workers and probably most of the members of the National Rifle Association. We could even imagine Donald Trump devouring a strip or two before posting his next outlandish tweet or slur on Obama or Clinton. That’s the stereotype at least, and it’s perhaps a similar patronage that Australian makers of our own indigenous jerky are trying to attract. When you label a product “Roadkill” (subtitled “Bloody Hot Ring Burner”), it’s unlikely you are pitching it at up-market gastronomes. On the other hand if you stopped at a truckstop on the Nullabor and they had sold their very last packet, you would be bitterly disappointed (aka f%$*ing pissed off!).

We’d hate to be accused of typecasting but we could well imagine the four One Nation senators sharing a packet of “Roadkill” or some similar Aussie jerky (maybe the Croc flavour) in one of those late night Senate sessions. Definitely no halal certification there! Similarly we would not be surprised if other right and far right wing political parties even chose to market their own non-Halal certified all Aussie ‘jerky’ – just the thing to be chewing at your next anti-Mosque protest.

Of course that kind of speculation is really unfair and we certainly acknowledge the thousands of local jerky fans who chomp away without any thought of political or socio-economic association. Perhaps all that remains to be discussed is the extent to which our local fauna can be culled, dried, salted and marketed in those tasty albeit visually unappealing strips.

It’s unlikely we will ever see koala or potoroo jerky, or any other animal subject to legal protection, but surely feral species should be open slather – cat, camel, wild boar and water buffalo, not to mention the odd packet of high country brumbies. Call it ‘Conservation Jerky’ if you like but it would be one way of highlighting those wretched unwelcome critters that are killing our native species and tearing up the environment.

The very suggestion however is enough to make Morrissey cancel his forthcoming Australian tour, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing given his authoritarian stance on what people can shove down their gullets. Whether he slaps the meat ban on venues this time around remains to be seen, but deep within his on-stage paranoia will be the thought that out there, somewhere in the audience of adoring, middle-aged sycophants, will be that one person who has slipped through security, clandestinely chewing on a strip of good old Aussie kangaroo jerky.

THE HIT LIST: The Monster Raving Looney ‘Naked’ Party will be launching their campaign for the forthcoming Council elections at the Darlo Bar (cnr Liverpool and Darlinghurst Rd – Darlinghurst) as part of Texas Chainsaw Trivia on Wednesday August 24 from 7.30pm. Meet the candidates and hear their pitch for a brighter, fairer, more equitable City Of Sydney as well as competing in the City’s most eclectic trivia quiz.