THE NAKED CITY – ATTACK OF THE CONEHEADS – EUROVISION 2016!

It’s often said that the Eurovision Song Contest has a cult following – especially in this country. So did the Reverend Jim Jones in Gyuana and the Little Pebble in Wollongong, and look what happened to them! That cheap shot aside, we have to ask just why Australia is being dragged screaming once again into this festival of warbling tack, by the national broadcaster SBS?

For many years Eurovision has enjoyed considerable popularity with SBS audiences, due largely to its quirky Eurocentric content and the affable interplay (on the surface at least) between rival neighbours across the broad European continent. The only logic behind Australia’s recent inclusion is that we are a multicultural nation with many of our migrants coming from Europe. The same could be said of the USA, but would anybody really want to see the American music machine rumbling like some enormous tank into the hallowed halls of ‘Euro’?

Let’s face it – we are the interloper at ‘Euro’ because SBS saw it as a great opportunity to boost its sagging ratings and build a lucrative advertising package around the event. Sure, there are many who delighted in the performance of Guy Sebastian at Euro 2015 and are holding their breath as to who we’ll dispatch to Stockholm 2016. On the other hand there are stacks of Euro-purists who saw the inclusion of the omnipresent Sebastian as a violation of decades of musical kitsch – for God’s sake, he didn’t event wear a funny hat!

Next year’s Euro moves to Sweden and will be notable by the return of Ukraine (or what’s left of it) and the absence of Turkey, which will no doubt delight the Russians and avoid any unnecessary back stage argy bargy. All told there will be 43 participants, equalling records set in both 2008 and 2011. No doubt the SBS publicity machine will generate considerable hype re the fact that Sweden is the host, the home of 1974 Euro winners ABBA, one of the few Euro winners to achieve international stardom. Maybe we should be sending Bjorn Again, as the ultimate cultural cringe, to fly the flag for Australia – or at least the flag for Australian cover bands.

Already the shortlist for Australia’s nominee in 2016 is being bandied about with the usual suspects like Delta Goodrem and Samantha Jade right at the top of the page. Surely if we are to participate in this orgy of power ballads and deconstructed folklorica, we need to send somebody who will really stand out. Would Rolf Harris be forgiven if he was somehow granted an early parole? Mmm – maybe not.  Kevin Bloody Wilson might be the choice of Reclaim Australia, but not the populous at large. What about the kid who got the hiccups at the baseball game in South Australia?… I guess Junior Euro is more his bag.

A national plebiscite may well do the trick and come up with the most popular choice, free from the interference of cashed up record companies. As long as there’s a square to tick that says ‘NOBODY’ we would be happy with the democratic process. Whoever the lucky person turns out to be, let’s get a bit of creative kitsch into the equation – at the very least a bunch of funny hats for whoever it is to wear. Big voice – yeah,  but nothing attracts more votes than a bloody big hat!