Arts & Entertainment

NAKED CITY: THE FEAR AND LOATHING GUIDE TO NYE!

The usual myths busted…

Each year Sydney’s fireworks are bigger and better than the year before: Funny about that. Give or take some kind of cheesy motif hanging on the bridge they always look the same, especially if you have just skulled half a bottle of Jägermeister. Does anybody remember what they looked like in 2012 or 2011? Does anybody remember what they looked like even the next morning?

Sydney’s NYE celebrations are for “all the people”:  All partygoers are equal but some are more equal than others and the lucky elite get to watch the pyrotechnics from the very best positions. Whether it is rubbing shoulders at the Lord Mayor’s celebrity knees-up, forking out $400 plus for an Opera House party or scoffing canapés from some exclusive hotel penthouse. The remainder get to queue from 8.00am in the morning just to get a goddamn patch of concrete adjacent to Circular Quay and wait sixteen hours for the midnight apocalypse.

Sydney’s NYE celebrations are the envy of the rest of the world: Does anybody in New York, Paris, Mumbai or even Wollongong give a toss that we let off a bunch of firecrackers at midnight and drink ourselves into a paralytic stupor?

Sydney welcomes partygoers, tourists & backpackers from all over the world: Sure we welcome them but we welcome their wallets even more, charging exorbitant rates for grubby, rundown backpacker dorms, food and beverages, overblown dance parties and just about anything that attracts a NYE premium.

The fireworks cost a bundle but kiddies love them: After queuing from 8.00am most kids are half-asleep by the 9.00pm fireworks and dead by midnight, resuscitated just after the last rocket fires so they can make the torturous and traumatic trip home on a hoon-packed train. Is this entertainment or simply just child abuse?

Best to leave the car home and take transport:  Actually – best to leave the car home and stay home period! Sydney’s public transport is a nightmare on NYE, especially around 12.20am when hundreds of thousands of revellers descend on the city’s hopelessly inadequate train stations. If you don’t want to become an extra in a recreation of Eisenstein’s Odessa Steps sequence, pull up a park bench in Hyde Park and kip down with the possums.

Despite the thousands of happy revellers in the CBD, crowds are generally well-behaved and the police report few arrests: Comforting to know unless you are unlucky enough to get king hit in the rocks or clobbered in the Cross. The police report few arrests because they are hopelessly outnumbered by a veritable army of hoons. Think of a normal, violent, alcohol-fuelled Saturday night in Sydney, magnified a thousand times!

The safest place to be on NYE is within ten minutes of your own home: The safest place to be is actually in your home with the doors and windows bolted and a pair of industrial earmuffs to protect yourselves form the neighbour’s out-of-control party that has just been invaded by five-hundred Facebook freaks.

One billion people worldwide watch the Sydney fireworks: This is surely the greatest lie of all, perpetrated by the City Council to justify the ludicrous cost of the NYE event. Next thing they’ll be telling us thousands use the Bourke Street Cycle path everyday!

THE HIT LIST:

There’s no view of the fireworks but plenty of pyrotechnics of the musical kind at the Mu-Meson Archives in Annandale. Sounds of Seduction will let loose with an eclectic and ever-expanding selection of rare grooves, cool visuals and kooky dance action from 9pm until late. Your DJ’ing hosts Jay Katz and Miss Death guarantee the best value NYE Party in Sydney and all for only $20 with a funky warehouse vibe. Enquiries: 9517 2010.

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