Arts & Entertainment



In March of 1963 the American psychic Jeron Criswell King, better known as the ‘Amazing Criswell’, appeared on the Jack Paar TV program and predicted that John F. Kennedy would not run for re-election in 1964 because something was going to happen to him in November 1963. We should also point out that he predicted Denver would be hit by a ray from outer space turning all metal into rubber and that the twentieth century would conclude with an outbreak of mass cannibalism!

Needless to say Criswell, like a lot of so-called psychics, often got it wrong but occasionally he was right on the money. With that in mind we thought it would be interesting to channel some of his predictions for 2014. The Amazing Criswell departed the mortal coil in 1982 but with the help of the local psychic community, an op-shop ouija board and thirty dollars invested on a psychic hotline, we have come up with the following staggering predictions (Criswell style!)

The Putinsation of Tony Abbott: As his popularity slides, a desperate Tony Abbott will follow the lead of Russian despot Vladimir Putin and offset public disenchantment with a macho display of pectoral prowess. A bare-chested Tony will become the standard media image, be it in Parliamentary Question Time or riding a prancing white stallion around the shores of Lake Burley Griffin.

Facebook invaded by Aliens: Facebook will announce its three billionth member but an investigation by the Washington Post will reveal that almost two billion of them are aliens from the planet Kolob, who have cunningly infiltrated all social media as a precursor to the invasion and eventual complete Mormonisation of Earth.

Town Hall demolished for new Woolies: After mass demonstrations against the demolition of Woolworths in George Street, the Lord Mayor Clover Moore will do a complete about-face and actually pull down the Town Hall to make way for a massive companion Woolies, complete with a two thousand capacity people’s cafeteria.

Gilligans Island defects from Commonwealth: With the blessing of HRH Prince Leonard of Hutt River, a group of homeless people will seize Gilligans at Taylor Square, declaring it an independent state and issuing a set of commemorative stamps much to the ire of Australia Post.

Richard Branson lands on Mars: It all goes horribly wrong with the launch of the Virgin Galactic Rocket which breaks free of the Earth’s atmosphere and continues on an unstoppable helter-skelter voyage to Mars. The last message received from Branson is a poignant text reading “Will somebody come and get me?”

Miley Cyrus killed by wrecking ball: There’s irony galore when pop star Miley Cyrus is accidentally decapitated by a giant wrecking ball as she tours an orphanage being demolished to make way for her new twenty million dollar mansion.

Justin Bieber to star in remake of The Illustrated Man: With his body now completely covered in tatts, Justin is invited by Baz Luhrmann to reprise Rod Steiger’s role in an all singing, dancing, 3D musical remake of The Illustrated Man. Evoking a newly found love of minimalism, Baz pays homage to Russian Ark and shoots the entire movie, unedited in one almighty take at a Kings Cross tattoo parlour.

Injecting room offers frequent user points: In a novel promotion for its regular users, the newly renovated safe injecting room in Kings Cross offers free one-way flights to Nauru and Tierra Del Fuego (sponsored by local shopkeepers) for its more frequent patrons.

THE HIT LIST: One safe prediction we can make is that Perth-based guitarist and singer Dave Brewer’s double album launch at the pokie free Petersham Bowlo on Thursday January 23 will more than likely be outstanding. Brewer will be joined by Natalie Gillespie, Jonathan Zwartz, Clayton Doley and Hamish Stuart.

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