Mum Is The Word

By Rita Bratovich

As Mother’s Day approaches, all available advertising space is filled with traditional images of happy nuclear families, floral bouquets and shiny kitchen appliances. The mainstream depiction of mothers in the media often seems informed by washing powder commercials, yet the reality is that many families can’t relate to the cookie cutter model of wife, husband, frilly little girl and scruffy little boy, and there are certainly more challenges in modern society than how to get grass stains out of soccer shorts. 

Emma is the mother of two young children and is in a committed relationship with a woman, Carol. However, Emma began her sojourn into motherhood in a much more conventional way – she married a man and had her two children within that marriage. That relationship dissolved within a few years, and once she was single again, Emma felt compelled to explore the attraction to women she had always harboured. She met Carol and it felt right and now they co-parent with her ex-husband and his new partner. 

“I think it just goes to show you can have that traditional marriage…I had what people would literally say was ‘the dream life’ [the house], the two kids…’ and I would have looked so traditional but it wasn’t working for me,” says Emma, describing how much better the situation is for everyone concerned. Her kids had two unhappy parents before, now they have four very happy parents. “You know, there’s extra love everywhere… the kids are happier.”

Tanya, 6 and Oliver, 4, call Carol by her first name but regard her as a parent. “She’s come on as an amazing step mum. The kids love her,” says Emma. 

Emma’s extended family and friends have been accepting of her new relationship and she hasn’t faced any real hostility outside that circle, although the Marriage Equality campaign last year did bring out some social ugliness that was a little confronting. Tanya has just started school and so far the experience has been all positive.

“We go to school in the inner west. The principal’s gay, there’s other gay dads, so we’re very lucky in that way and it’s never been an issue. If anything, she just tells people proudly ‘I’ve got two mums’,” says Emma.

One thing Emma does find difficult is being without her children for part of the time. It challenges her own notion of motherhood. 

“For me around Mother’s Day, as one who has my kids 50% of the time, I think, does this apply to me?” she explains. “No matter what, I think as mums we’ll always feel like we’re not doing as much as we could, or that we’re not fitting some ideal and I think that might be because of representation on TV…”

Despite that niggling doubt, Emma will celebrate Mother’s Day at lunch with her extended family. It will be the first with Carol as her partner.

Trish got married to her husband, Rex, 14 years ago. They each already had a child from a previous relationship: Rex’s son Neil, 7, and Trish’s son Jasper, 6. Two years into their marriage they had a child together – a boy, Taylor – and then almost nine years later Trish got unexpectedly pregnant again and they had yet another boy, Corey. It’s created an unusual family dynamic with the two older boys being 10 months apart in age and not biologically related and the successive boys being 8 and 17 years younger. But somehow it works. 

When Trish and Rex first started their relationship, they gauged their future based on how their respective sons dealt with it.

“That’s how we knew it was gonna work out okay because it was all hinging on how they got along – and they hit it off as friends quite quickly,” says Trish. 

Trish’s previous partner had made himself scarce, while Rex’s former partner had their son, Neil, living with her. It created a complex web of authority.  

“When there’s another parent involved it’s a bit trickier, and, I was always hesitant to sort of discipline his son and he was the same with mine – you don’t wanna overstep the boundary.”

Trish is particularly mindful of her relationship with Neil because when she was 15, her own father re-married to a woman Trish refers to as “a horrible step-mother.”

“I was adamant I would never be that person,” she says. 

With their two biological children it’s more straightforward “We’re both on board with the discipline.”

Trish embraces the concept of Mother’s Day, although she dislikes the commercial side of it. She believes it should be a genuine family celebration with all the generations because motherhood should be acknowledged. 

“I think sometimes mums can be underrated – mums kind of keep the family together…I think it’s an important role and I think it’s a rewarding role in a lot of ways too. And I think sometimes you notice it more with your step kids than with your own kids, because they don’t have to love you but if they choose to then you must have done something right.”

There are arguably few things more disconcerting for a mother than having to identify with their child in an entirely new way. Lynne has three children: Natalie 26, a girl; Simon 22, a boy; and Will, 22. Just Will. 

Will was born Rachel and lived as female until around age 15 when they felt they were not really “comfortable in their own skin.” After spending eight months in China studying Shaolin Martial Arts, they returned at age 19 feeling they identified more as a male. What followed was a lot of discussion and counselling followed by hormone treatment and a mastectomy. It was after the mastectomy that Will decided they didn’t identify fully with either gender and wanted to be referred to by the plural pronoun.

It took some adjusting to, but it didn’t rattle Lynne the way it might have some other mothers. She had always recognised Will as being unique. 

“Will’s just different. So when they began to identify as a male it actually didn’t shock me at all, it didn’t phase me because I knew Will was just different.”

That said, it should be noted that there definitely is some grief that comes with such a transition. Lynne accompanied Will to the hospital for the mastectomy and was asked to wait in the recovery room.

“I just sat and cried for three hours because I was saying goodbye to Rachel and saying hello to Will, which obviously is still a little bit sad…” And still hard – she breaks down momentarily as she reflects on it. 

“I think I said goodbye to the future of that someone, because even though Rachel is still Will and Will is still Rachel…the future for the little girl I had – you know, a very conventional ‘meet someone, settle down, have kids’ – for Rachel, wasn’t there anymore…” she explains, and hastens to add “but for Will, it is there.”

Lynne’s family and friends have been very positive. There has been some negativity online – especially last year during the Marriage Equality debate, but Will is very confident and centred and has a strong network of support. And the result of the debate means that Will and their fiance, Emma, can get legally married. 

“I must say it is the nicest thing to have someone love your child for who they are, regardless,” says Lynne. 

While Lynne acknowledges Mother’s Day by bringing flowers to her own mother, she and her kids don’t treat it as a big deal. Her concept of motherhood is much more inspirational:

“As a mum, the one thing I want is a beautiful, well rounded child who makes a positive impact in the world regardless of their gender or political beliefs or religious beliefs. Someone who makes a positive impact in the world and respects people and treats them in the proper way, and to me, if I’ve raised children like that, then I’ve raised good kids.”

[Names of children and some adults have been changed to protect their privacy]