THE NAKED CITY – DRONING ON ABOUT DRONES

Whether it’s a clinical US strike on a terrorist in Yemen or a piping hot pizza delivered in a matter of minutes, drones are the latest technological whizbang to capture our attention – and raise our concerns.

Whilst their military application has been known for years, albeit of a clandestine nature, it’s only recently that they have entered our everyday life. All kinds of extravagant claims have been made for their potential use, like delivering books for Amazon, to covert surveillance of rural meth labs or urban crack houses. No doubt there are people who lie awake at night, racking their brains, thinking of new and monetary rewarding ways in which drones can be used.

The applications are limitless it would appear, judging on the number of prototypes now evident on the internet. For starters there’s the ambulance drone which carries a defibrillator or life saving medicines to the patient who has just had a heart attack, faster than any ambulance could imagine. Waiters and waitresses could soon be out of work if drones are employed in restaurants, particularly when it comes to servicing al fresco diners. And then there’s the radar equipped drones that can hover behind trees on country roads and issue instant speeding tickets via the net.

Like it or lump it those pesky, whirling, buzzing drones are here to stay and who knows what wacky and outrageous uses to which they’ll be put. Forgive us for ‘droning’ on, but here’s just a few suggestions (patent pending!) you might like to contemplate:

COCKY WRANGLERS: No need for council culling of those troublesome cockatoos as the Drone Cocky Wrangler rounds up our sulphur crested friends and drives them back to the bush where they belong.

DRONE-HOUNDS AT WENTIE PARK: The doggies have had a bad wrap in recent months, so why not replace them with drones? No need for live baiting here as the Drone-Hounds tear after the bunny much to the delight of a new breed of techno-punters.

THE JEHOVAH-DRONE: There’s a unexpected knock at the door and you are astounded when you are confronted with a hovering drone with a speaker spruiking the need to embrace the kingdom of God. Slamming the door in somebody’s face just became a lot easier.

THE DDDD: It stands for “Doggie Doo Detecting Drone” and every dog owner and council needs one. No need to clean up after Fido has left his calling card on the nature strip. The DDDD spots the offending dropping, sweeps from above and promptly whisks it away.

THE REF IS RIGHT DRONE: Footy referees are only human and sometimes make mistakes but a computer programmed drone, that knows every rule in the book, is faultless as it hovers just over the players during the match, instantly processing image after image.

MOBILE DJ DRONE: Need a DJ for you next backyard party? The mobile DJ Drone comes with a 10,000 track selection and a pair of mixing arms, if vinyl is your bag. It can also be programmed to pick up the empties after the party is finished.

Footnote: Cat lovers – the moggy in the picture was already dead and most likely feral, predating on native species.

By Coffin Ed, Jay Katz and Miss Death